_ _In providing emotional support, we are helping to create a peaceful environment. Emotional support is the essence of our presence. During our entire walk with the dying and their family our presence is one of the most stabilizing gifts we can offer. They called us because they need extra support and our presence provides this extra sense of security. We may not do a thing except provide this kind of emotional support. This is the foundation.

There was one family I attended that wanted me to sit in a certain place when I was in their home. Each time I arrived, I was guided to a particular chair and it was pretty clear that that was my place. I just did it and didn’t ask why they wanted me to sit in that spot. This is just one small example of something that was important to a family.

This article is for those people called to be a doula for the dying.

After someone has died, I encourage the family to take as long as they need to be with their loved one. I encourage them to wait before they call hospice and have as much private time as they can now because once you call hospice, action begins to remove the body.

There often comes a time after the death where people start wondering what to do next. Remember to have the death plan and funeral plan completed before hand so you can guide them during this time.

Offer to pray with the family prayers of peace and love and gratitude for the departed and consolation for the family. Ask them if they would like to bathe the body and dress them in a piece of favorite clothing. Maybe they don’t want to participate but would like you to do it. Usually at least one person wants to be a part of it if they want the body bathed.

Remember to turn off the oxygen concentrator if it is on and get rid of as many hospital and medical looking supplies and devices as possible after death. You’ve already done this to an extent during vigil but there may have been some things that you needed to keep. Now is the time to get rid of all it within eyesight.

If they don’t want to bathe the body fully, check the peri area of the body and make sure it is clean and no stool or urine has released. If it has then clean the area and take out the soiled briefs to the outside trash immediately and/or put the towels to launder.

Encourage anyone to lay with the body if they want to and give them the privacy for this. There are people who want to but need the ‘permission’ to do so or think others would think they were odd if they do it. Let them know it is normal to want to be close to our loved one, especially since they will not be seeing them physically again.

There are some faith traditions that do not believe in touching the body after death. Find out before hand what your family believes in. If it is a matter of discomfort with a dead body rather than belief in holding down the person’s spirit, then help them move pass that discomfort. So many people have thanked me afterwards for helping them to touch their loved one’s body.

Flow with what is going on and what they want. They truly may not feel equipped to make any decisions and in that case, you lead the way. You will know when you are there how to proceed. Pray for guidance, follow your gut.

When you have called hospice to come and pronounce the death, know that you can also ask them that you want to spend as much time with the body as possible. The best time to arrange this is before death. As we discussed in Section 1, it is best to know how long the state laws and how long the funeral home will allow before they pick up the body.

If the family is doing a home funeral, then all this will have been arranged, but if the body is going to go to a funeral home or crematory then this information is necessary so the family can prepare themselves for how much time they can spend. Most people I have been with only want to be with the body not longer than 2 – 4 hours. There have been some that have wanted it for several hours and I had to make arrangements with the funeral home or call to various ones who would accommodate the family.

I appreciate what this particular death midwife is saying. "It is not mysterious or grandiose ... bottom line, you're just visiting someone ... at a very scary time in life."

We just do it. We visit; we attend to needs. We show up. That is basically it. We show up with our particular gifts and are ready to share and give to the family according to their needs. We are present for what unfolds.

If you feel called to attend families through the dying of their loved one, I hope you will explore it. We all start at the beginning and may we all stay with the humility of that first step. We are there to provide presence first and foremost, everything else is gravy.

I want to encourage those of you who know you are death doulas, but have not claimed it yet, to step in the shoes and begin walking in them. The mystery of it all lies all around us; but as the midwife above states, it is not in the showing up.